So after completing the very renowned "Eat, Pray, Love" I have only two things to say:
1) I did like it as much as everyone else.
2) But I still fail to understand why all these authors that I admire for finding spiritual enlightenment seem to all have one thing in common: the financial resources to do things like go live at an ashram in India for six months.
So, I am now toying with the idea of writing "How to Attain Spiritual Enlightenment on $5 a Day."
I cannot be the only spiritual seeker who feels this way.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
The book
What the hell. I trust my higher power to not let me fall victim to the plagerism of others.
UNAVAILABLE
One Lesbian’s Struggle with Bisexuality In Other Women
Preface:
If you picked this book up off the shelf because of its title, then you probably need to read it as much as I needed to write it. My stories are by no means unique, my relationship experience is quite likely written on some of the same pages as your own. Although my romantic history is checkered with an equal number of relationships with women who identify as lesbian, I chose to bring this group of stories to print. Perhaps I think they are more interesting, or have more humor. However, it is more likely that there’s a healing within myself that needed to occur. Therapeutic processes are widely varied, but I suspect most other writers would tell you that in recording any sort of personal memoir there is a time of emotional introspection. Writing about these women I’ve known has given me great pause, and a chance to revisit and do battle with some of my own demons along the way. For relationships are part of the sustenance of our very lives, our very existence. My hope for the readers of this book is primarily entertainment. Yet, if you read between the lines, you will see a story of personal growth, a narrative of coming to terms with my own character flaws, and a deep searching to discover why I “chose” these women in the first place. I wish you peace as you join me on the journey of these pages. If you have lived my experience, know that you are okay as you are. No matter how much analysis I have included here, at the end of the day, I still believe we can’t really pick who we’ll fall in love with. That is the very magic beneath these stories. Through it all, there was something very pure underneath. Something like love.
Introduction:
The Unsures If you are a lesbian, it is highly unlikely that you haven’t come across women that I have come to refer to as “the unsures.” Perhaps you had a different name for them or found these women in your own life to be indefinable by words alone. For the unsures go beyond the bisexual realm. I exist in a world where, for myself, I could only ever imagine having been born gay or straight. By my own definition, being a lesbian does not mean that I cannot appreciate male beauty, personality characteristics, or even sexual appeal. But it does mean that I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I will not “wind up with” a male partner someday. Within my heart, I just know. 100% gay people of both sexes understand this. As it turns out, the rest of the world does not. We live in an age of sexual revolution and a redefining of the concept of gender, which is, in and of itself, a good thing. Most people actually don’t live in the headspace or even emotional space that I do, where gay and straight exist in a clear-cut dichotomy. There is a lot of room between points A and B. The women I have written these stories about fall at varying points on the in between. From bisexual and bi-curious to sexually uncertain and (my personal favorite) “mostly” straight, my relationships with these women have taught me many lessons and gave me moments of both joy and sorrow. It is not without emotion that I re-tell these tales, and, I would hope, would not be without emotion if those ladies someday happen to stumble across this book. More than storytelling, I’ve also written the final chapter as a method of self-forgiveness, and hopefully you can read it in the same spirit. Having endured enough therapy around my “issues” makes it impossible to see myself as a victim in these relationships. Although I’ve been hurt, and even occasionally given hurt in return, it is I who remains the common denominator. I have learned from many wise people about the process of “owning my part in things.” The stories in this book are not about blame or fault, after all, it takes two people to create, maintain, or ultimately destroy a relationship, no matter how intimate or casual. Finally, I hope this book brings you to a better understanding, and maybe even acceptance and a little bit of forgiveness in your own story, with your own characters, told within your own heart of experience.
UNAVAILABLE
One Lesbian’s Struggle with Bisexuality In Other Women
Preface:
If you picked this book up off the shelf because of its title, then you probably need to read it as much as I needed to write it. My stories are by no means unique, my relationship experience is quite likely written on some of the same pages as your own. Although my romantic history is checkered with an equal number of relationships with women who identify as lesbian, I chose to bring this group of stories to print. Perhaps I think they are more interesting, or have more humor. However, it is more likely that there’s a healing within myself that needed to occur. Therapeutic processes are widely varied, but I suspect most other writers would tell you that in recording any sort of personal memoir there is a time of emotional introspection. Writing about these women I’ve known has given me great pause, and a chance to revisit and do battle with some of my own demons along the way. For relationships are part of the sustenance of our very lives, our very existence. My hope for the readers of this book is primarily entertainment. Yet, if you read between the lines, you will see a story of personal growth, a narrative of coming to terms with my own character flaws, and a deep searching to discover why I “chose” these women in the first place. I wish you peace as you join me on the journey of these pages. If you have lived my experience, know that you are okay as you are. No matter how much analysis I have included here, at the end of the day, I still believe we can’t really pick who we’ll fall in love with. That is the very magic beneath these stories. Through it all, there was something very pure underneath. Something like love.
Introduction:
The Unsures If you are a lesbian, it is highly unlikely that you haven’t come across women that I have come to refer to as “the unsures.” Perhaps you had a different name for them or found these women in your own life to be indefinable by words alone. For the unsures go beyond the bisexual realm. I exist in a world where, for myself, I could only ever imagine having been born gay or straight. By my own definition, being a lesbian does not mean that I cannot appreciate male beauty, personality characteristics, or even sexual appeal. But it does mean that I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I will not “wind up with” a male partner someday. Within my heart, I just know. 100% gay people of both sexes understand this. As it turns out, the rest of the world does not. We live in an age of sexual revolution and a redefining of the concept of gender, which is, in and of itself, a good thing. Most people actually don’t live in the headspace or even emotional space that I do, where gay and straight exist in a clear-cut dichotomy. There is a lot of room between points A and B. The women I have written these stories about fall at varying points on the in between. From bisexual and bi-curious to sexually uncertain and (my personal favorite) “mostly” straight, my relationships with these women have taught me many lessons and gave me moments of both joy and sorrow. It is not without emotion that I re-tell these tales, and, I would hope, would not be without emotion if those ladies someday happen to stumble across this book. More than storytelling, I’ve also written the final chapter as a method of self-forgiveness, and hopefully you can read it in the same spirit. Having endured enough therapy around my “issues” makes it impossible to see myself as a victim in these relationships. Although I’ve been hurt, and even occasionally given hurt in return, it is I who remains the common denominator. I have learned from many wise people about the process of “owning my part in things.” The stories in this book are not about blame or fault, after all, it takes two people to create, maintain, or ultimately destroy a relationship, no matter how intimate or casual. Finally, I hope this book brings you to a better understanding, and maybe even acceptance and a little bit of forgiveness in your own story, with your own characters, told within your own heart of experience.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
I know what I need to do
So while I was driving to work this morning I had what I believe is a divinely inspired brilliant idea. There I was, in my Ford Explorer, reflecting on my relationships, in my jean shorts and t-shirt, listening to Melissa Etheridge, being the most cookie-cutter typical dyke in the whole world.
And then I had a whole novel flash through my head.
I have made half-hearted attempts to get one book I've written published in the past. I know that will never happen, no one wants to read "memoirs" from a person who is non-famous. Nevertheless, it has always been inevitable that I would someday write a complete book that will actually be published, even if I do it myself. I still have my second attempt at a book from a different phase of my life sitting on a shelf. But now that I am no longer a practicing drug addict and alcoholic myself, it continues to sit because it doesn't have an ending. There had to be something new. So here's the thing, once again, my "next big thing" is not coming from an external source, it comes from me, in my heart.
I don't want to say too much in a public posting forum. But those of you who know me will be hearing more about it, I swear. This feeling of "me" I had wasn't just a feeling associated with the book either. For a few minutes, you know those minutes when you stand back and see all your life as one big picture and everything fits? I had those minutes where I saw all of it, my career in publishing, my degree, my hopes and dreams and even strippers and falling for straight women. It is ALL me. Even that bit about being such a typical dyke with my casual, fashionless wardrobe, vehicle, and CD of choice this morning. That's me too. Overweight and acned, heartbroken and sometimes desperate, still me. I saw the ALL of me today, I don't know how else to describe it. And for the first time in a very long time, I really, really, really loved what I saw.
I have made half-hearted attempts to get one book I've written published in the past. I know that will never happen, no one wants to read "memoirs" from a person who is non-famous. Nevertheless, it has always been inevitable that I would someday write a complete book that will actually be published, even if I do it myself. I still have my second attempt at a book from a different phase of my life sitting on a shelf. But now that I am no longer a practicing drug addict and alcoholic myself, it continues to sit because it doesn't have an ending. There had to be something new. So here's the thing, once again, my "next big thing" is not coming from an external source, it comes from me, in my heart.
I don't want to say too much in a public posting forum. But those of you who know me will be hearing more about it, I swear. This feeling of "me" I had wasn't just a feeling associated with the book either. For a few minutes, you know those minutes when you stand back and see all your life as one big picture and everything fits? I had those minutes where I saw all of it, my career in publishing, my degree, my hopes and dreams and even strippers and falling for straight women. It is ALL me. Even that bit about being such a typical dyke with my casual, fashionless wardrobe, vehicle, and CD of choice this morning. That's me too. Overweight and acned, heartbroken and sometimes desperate, still me. I saw the ALL of me today, I don't know how else to describe it. And for the first time in a very long time, I really, really, really loved what I saw.
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
The Ever-Growing Acronym - A Rant
Intersex is now part of the ever-growing acronym? Really? I think I've mentioned my distaste about such things before. So now it seems that we have become LGBTQQIAA. WTF? Can we at least get a few more vowels so it's an actual word?
It seems to me that, in the time I grew up as an adult gay person, our identity WAS about "sexual orientation". Then we changed our tack, because we needed people to understand that our "orientation" was about more than sex (for some of us anyway), and that it wasn't as simple as us having a "preference". I think we screwed ourselves in doing so. The activists in the 80s tried very hard to break free of the gender myth and show that there were no definitive lines about what it meant to "act like" a man, woman, boy, or girl. There was some truth and justice in that.
But look at what's happened. "Queer" and "questioning" were words grassroots organizations made up to make our "community" more "inclusive". OK. But let's look at what the "community" has been trying to accomplish. Mostly civil rights issues I'd say. Do all people deserve basic human freedom? Of course they do. Did we need straight allies to help us? Sure, but did we have to then tack that onto ourselves to, what, PROVE that we had straight support? What a bunch of crap.
It is my understanding that Asexual is sexless, having no desire or interest in sex, perhaps androgynous, whatever. I fail to see how this category became such a necessity to include as part of our "community."
Asexuality and "transgender" (another made up word, to my knowledge) are largely issues of biology, so where is their place among a small percentage of our population who only started decades ago to simply fight for the freedom to love the people we were choosing to love?
Transexuals in particular I have nothing against, but the desire to actually BE the opposite sex has to do with a personality disorder listed in the DSM IV and nothing at all to do with freedom of love and partnership.
What began as a cry against "boys wear blue and girls wear pink" has mushroomed into this clusterfuck of too many issues to belong to one "group" as it were. Where does it end?
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
THIS POST HAS NO TITLE
Someone complained about me not updating my blog. (Happy L.H.?) Thanks for the nudge.
To be honest, I have not been in good space so have not had the desire to update. I like to post when I'm positive, have insight, something to share. That is not where I am at today.
I am learning that some behavior patterns are so ingrained, some fractured core beliefs so deep-seated, that the work to undo them is a bit overwhelming. I keep trying, but, at times, as I'm sure is true for everyone, I do want to just give up. I want to just find some ultimate self-acceptance and stop trying to fix what I believe needs fixing. Can you relate?
I am not ungrateful nor unhappy with my life on the whole. I am sober, free, spiritually rich, relatively at peace with my circumstances. I have a tremendous amount of love in my life, fantastic friendship that I never knew was available to me. Yet still, the thing I want the most eludes me. Am I OK with that? I would have to say, "sure," but if that were really true, why would I have spent the past three weeks crying over a woman who was never a realistically potential partner to begin with? How is it that I come to believe the impossible is possible? Fantasy? Maybe. I didn't think so, but our denial systems are powerful. As always the whole thing was wrapped in so many layers of my "issues" it is hard to say what was real or true and what wasn't. Friendship? Seems like such an everyday word and inadequate to describe what we had. Love? For me, I still don't know if it was for her. The word itself has far too many meanings, and only I can know what mine is.
In the big picture, this circumstance is fairly inconsequential. You know how it is, feels so big when you're in the middle of it. I am certain that I'll move on in time, and return to me, and return to my higher power, the universal flow, the only real love there is. My life is still a wonderous, miraculous, and beautiful thing, it has just been shadowed with gray days lately. So I share it with you, because if I am to share I must do so honestly.
Will you hold my hand under the sheltering sky and wait for the black to pass?
To be honest, I have not been in good space so have not had the desire to update. I like to post when I'm positive, have insight, something to share. That is not where I am at today.
I am learning that some behavior patterns are so ingrained, some fractured core beliefs so deep-seated, that the work to undo them is a bit overwhelming. I keep trying, but, at times, as I'm sure is true for everyone, I do want to just give up. I want to just find some ultimate self-acceptance and stop trying to fix what I believe needs fixing. Can you relate?
I am not ungrateful nor unhappy with my life on the whole. I am sober, free, spiritually rich, relatively at peace with my circumstances. I have a tremendous amount of love in my life, fantastic friendship that I never knew was available to me. Yet still, the thing I want the most eludes me. Am I OK with that? I would have to say, "sure," but if that were really true, why would I have spent the past three weeks crying over a woman who was never a realistically potential partner to begin with? How is it that I come to believe the impossible is possible? Fantasy? Maybe. I didn't think so, but our denial systems are powerful. As always the whole thing was wrapped in so many layers of my "issues" it is hard to say what was real or true and what wasn't. Friendship? Seems like such an everyday word and inadequate to describe what we had. Love? For me, I still don't know if it was for her. The word itself has far too many meanings, and only I can know what mine is.
In the big picture, this circumstance is fairly inconsequential. You know how it is, feels so big when you're in the middle of it. I am certain that I'll move on in time, and return to me, and return to my higher power, the universal flow, the only real love there is. My life is still a wonderous, miraculous, and beautiful thing, it has just been shadowed with gray days lately. So I share it with you, because if I am to share I must do so honestly.
Will you hold my hand under the sheltering sky and wait for the black to pass?
Friday, November 9, 2007
It's Been a While
So I thought I'd check in.
Much has happened in the past several months, yet things look remarkably the same. That mystifies me.
I took on a roommate, that has presented its myriad of difficulties after having lived alone for five years. For the most part, it goes well, my house mate is a gay male in the program so it has become a relationship built on positive dynamics. However, it is sometimes a challenge to be loving, generous, and kind when I cannot deny that he and I are in very different places emotionally and spiritually. After a few months of trial and error, I am relatively surrendered about the way things are. I consider moving into a larger place and splitting things 50/50, but that presents a bunch of different fears to process. For now, its working, and I don't have to decide anything today.
I started therapy again, which is something I have contemplated for a long time. There was no shining moment of clarity, it was simply a decision that I made. Having just celebrated four years of sobriety, I just know that I am ready to deal with some very deep-seated core belief issues that are long overdue for revision.
Life is peaceful for the most part. I continue in my Wiccan studies to become an actual, legitimate first degree clergy member, which is honorable I think. I've developed another deeply spiritual relationship with my priestess, and it serves me well in my journey.
The next year for me seems to be designed around what a friend of mine calls "spiritual do-overs." I like that term a lot and find it fitting. Another round of out with the old and in with the new, continuing the revamping of my own emotional world, forming new bridges and discarding ways that no longer work for me.
The travel continues. The only goal to continue being and loving and expanding. The universe opens, and I sit patiently awaiting opportunities to trust god, clean house, and help others.
Love & Light, ~K.
Much has happened in the past several months, yet things look remarkably the same. That mystifies me.
I took on a roommate, that has presented its myriad of difficulties after having lived alone for five years. For the most part, it goes well, my house mate is a gay male in the program so it has become a relationship built on positive dynamics. However, it is sometimes a challenge to be loving, generous, and kind when I cannot deny that he and I are in very different places emotionally and spiritually. After a few months of trial and error, I am relatively surrendered about the way things are. I consider moving into a larger place and splitting things 50/50, but that presents a bunch of different fears to process. For now, its working, and I don't have to decide anything today.
I started therapy again, which is something I have contemplated for a long time. There was no shining moment of clarity, it was simply a decision that I made. Having just celebrated four years of sobriety, I just know that I am ready to deal with some very deep-seated core belief issues that are long overdue for revision.
Life is peaceful for the most part. I continue in my Wiccan studies to become an actual, legitimate first degree clergy member, which is honorable I think. I've developed another deeply spiritual relationship with my priestess, and it serves me well in my journey.
The next year for me seems to be designed around what a friend of mine calls "spiritual do-overs." I like that term a lot and find it fitting. Another round of out with the old and in with the new, continuing the revamping of my own emotional world, forming new bridges and discarding ways that no longer work for me.
The travel continues. The only goal to continue being and loving and expanding. The universe opens, and I sit patiently awaiting opportunities to trust god, clean house, and help others.
Love & Light, ~K.
Friday, September 21, 2007
Surrender is harder when trying...
Life ceases to be a struggle when we simply stop struggling. The simplicity of turning over my will and my life is often so elusive to me. It is almost as if the moment I recognize serenity, and try and attach to it intellectually, it vanishes.
How do we live in the present, moment to moment, minute to minute? At times I can do this without thinking at all, and that seems to be the key. It has been said that when we live fully in the present, we are without ego, and this is heaven, right here and right now. Its beautiful when it happens, but, like any good addict, I want it to be that way all the time! But there is no "I" in "we". And the universal flow is the only place I find that serenity.
Loving the godhead in all of you, ~K.
How do we live in the present, moment to moment, minute to minute? At times I can do this without thinking at all, and that seems to be the key. It has been said that when we live fully in the present, we are without ego, and this is heaven, right here and right now. Its beautiful when it happens, but, like any good addict, I want it to be that way all the time! But there is no "I" in "we". And the universal flow is the only place I find that serenity.
Loving the godhead in all of you, ~K.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
