It's Been a While

So I thought I'd check in.

Much has happened in the past several months, yet things look remarkably the same. That mystifies me.

I took on a roommate, that has presented its myriad of difficulties after having lived alone for five years. For the most part, it goes well, my house mate is a gay male in the program so it has become a relationship built on positive dynamics. However, it is sometimes a challenge to be loving, generous, and kind when I cannot deny that he and I are in very different places emotionally and spiritually. After a few months of trial and error, I am relatively surrendered about the way things are. I consider moving into a larger place and splitting things 50/50, but that presents a bunch of different fears to process. For now, its working, and I don't have to decide anything today.

I started therapy again, which is something I have contemplated for a long time. There was no shining moment of clarity, it was simply a decision that I made. Having just celebrated four years of sobriety, I just know that I am ready to deal with some very deep-seated core belief issues that are long overdue for revision.

Life is peaceful for the most part. I continue in my Wiccan studies to become an actual, legitimate first degree clergy member, which is honorable I think. I've developed another deeply spiritual relationship with my priestess, and it serves me well in my journey.

The next year for me seems to be designed around what a friend of mine calls "spiritual do-overs." I like that term a lot and find it fitting. Another round of out with the old and in with the new, continuing the revamping of my own emotional world, forming new bridges and discarding ways that no longer work for me.

The travel continues. The only goal to continue being and loving and expanding. The universe opens, and I sit patiently awaiting opportunities to trust god, clean house, and help others.

Love & Light, ~K.

Surrender is harder when trying...

Life ceases to be a struggle when we simply stop struggling. The simplicity of turning over my will and my life is often so elusive to me. It is almost as if the moment I recognize serenity, and try and attach to it intellectually, it vanishes.

How do we live in the present, moment to moment, minute to minute? At times I can do this without thinking at all, and that seems to be the key. It has been said that when we live fully in the present, we are without ego, and this is heaven, right here and right now. Its beautiful when it happens, but, like any good addict, I want it to be that way all the time! But there is no "I" in "we". And the universal flow is the only place I find that serenity.

Loving the godhead in all of you, ~K.

Swiped from another blog

My friend Kim posted this on her blog today, and I liked it so much, I copied and posted it here. Thanks Kim.

AWARENESS

For a while it seems that every awareness
brings another piece of bad news.
That's called "going farther and faring worse."
The more subtly aware we become
the more aware of subtlety we are.
As we realize that what we are seeing is our conditioning
and not who we are,
we can relax
and actually learn
to be grateful that we're seeing it.

Imagine.

Because once we know
it's not who we are,
every insight,
every awareness
frees us a bit more from
the bondage of suffering
that is egocentricity.

Keep in mind that we view egocentricity
the way we would view
a two-or-three-year-old child.
Is it bad?
Is it evil?
No, it is simply a single-pointed focus
on getting its needs met all the time.
The problem is that it is interfering with our lives.

We develop the same relationship with egocentricity
that we would with a child:
we love it,
value it,
appreciate it,
and take care of it.
We do not let it
make our decisions,
control our moods,
sign checks,
use credit cards,
drive the car....

From Nothing Happens Next: Responses To Questions About Meditation by Cheri Huber.

Posted by Kimberlie Kranich at 1:37 PM

Clarity

So I'm brushing my teeth this morning and the following occurs to me:

"I have not been in a lesbian relationship for over four years."

This may sound like stating the obvious. It isn't. Although I've known this on some level, this morning I reached that defining point between knowing something and really knowing it. Do you know what I mean? When something becomes so clear to you on a soul level and you cannot believe you didn't see it before.

What this means, folks, is that I have not been in a legitimate relationship in my entire length of sobriety. I have had two lovers. The first of which was typical, early recovery, 13th step, codependency run wild, sexual energy. Although that woman and I remain good friends to this day, what we had way back when I would in no way call a romantic relationship. It was a very confused relationship between two people that clearly belong in one another's lives, but not in that way.

The second lover was a friendship that pre-dated my sobriety. I would call that a one-sided romantic relationship that was sexually reciprocal. However, she decided on the guy that she lives with to this day, and our friendship suffered the consequences. Ironically, that woman had everything to do with why I got clean and sober in the first place. Which, I suppose now, was her purpose in my path.

That leaves several crushes, fantasies, and obsessions in between. And the perpetual "almost-get-back-together" that happened last fall between me and another ex. What does it all mean? *sigh* It means that I am emotionally unavailable, although I like to pretend that it is the women I pursue that are unavailable.

What I am beginning to believe is that my penchant for unattainable, emotionally sick, or sexual-preference-uncertain women is all fear based. Again, I have known this for some time, but it is suddenly alarmingly clear in a way that it was not before. What I understand today is that my six and a half year marriage was the biggest let down of my life. I had the picture perfect lesbian relationship that turned out to be a sham; a big masquerade; the vision of a future life complete with a white picket fence and two dogs and an ocean view was entirely a house of cards.

What will I do with this information now? Process it, write about it, and, hopefully, learn a lesson from it. I am feeling very vulnerable, but in that freeing sort of way.

~K.

Mexico anyone?

So every time I listen to Kim Richey it makes me want to get in my Explorer and drive to the Gulf of Mexico. Or California. Or any somewhere other than here.

Maybe I should become more financially strict about savings and take a trip every three to six months. Just get in and drive somewhere, finding hotels, restaurants, random women, and 12-step meetings along the way. (Not necessarily in that order.)

That kind of life has always appealed to me. But material security also appeals to me, and I can't seem to find the balance between the two. I don't want to be irresponsible, just free. Does that make sense? How do we create that sense of adventure in everyday life?

Emotional Relapse

So those damn tiny moments yesterday really had me wrapped around the axle. Lost in temporary insanity, I called my ex. But it is OK. And here's why:

You know, for years now I think she and I really do want the same thing, which is to be able to be friends. Clearly, we are not there yet. But, perhaps for the first time in all the years we've been doing this, we did not start the pattern all over again. There will be no regular communication. Sometimes I really do just want to know how she's doing. And I got that.

So, was there fallout? Absolutely. I had a good cry when we got off the phone. And I do miss her sometimes. She is the one I never got over, but I do know that someday I will. Today is not that day, but it is coming. And I do believe the residual effects of that have partially kept me out of a relationship with anyone else. What I really do desire in my heart of hearts is to love someone the same way I loved her, and to have that person love me back in the same way, with equality and reciprocity. I do know today that she does not want to be with me, I have known that for a long time, but I guess I am still working on acceptance of that. I have more today than I ever have, but I am still not there 100%. I loved her more than any woman I have ever known, I'm pretty sure I've said that before. And I am grateful to know that I have the capacity TO love like that. For with her, even through all the chaos of our humble beginnings, there was always an underlying spiritual and pure current underneath it all. That is the love that I believe I will always have for her. I just want it to come without the pain, and I think its getting there.

So are we going to be chatting, hanging out, emailing? No. We did agree to, every once in a while, "check in". Six months, nine months, once a year, to be determined I guess. I am comfortable with that today. If nothing else, she and I have learned a lot about how to be honest with each other over the years. I can "not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it."

Bittersweet, indeed.

Those Tiny Moments

I had one this morning. I wish that I could be free of those tiny moments once and for all. Do you know the moments I speak of? Let me explain.

Those moments where loneliness rears its ugly head completely unannounced. Those moments of panic when the voice says "Oh my god, what if I'm alone forever?" Those moments when self-pity says "If you fell and cracked your head open in the shower, how many days would it take for people to notice you were missing?"

I try to live my life by spiritual principles. I attempt to believe whole-heartedly in the universal laws of attraction and abundance. I have spent several years now getting as OK with being single as I am probably ever going to be. Which is pretty OK. I have a wonderfully supportive family, I have more love and friends in my life than most people dream of, I create, nurture, and maintain a number of intimate relationships with people I truly trust without question. So most days, everything is exactly as it should be, and I am generally at peace.

Then, those tiny moments come. Damn.

One purpose of the blog

Although my original intention was to spread loving goodness, joy, hope, etc., I recognize the inherent value of having one's own blog is to occasionally VENT.

In my production meeting this morning, a book we have in house came up in discussion, and it was mentioned that the author of the book is a self-proclaimed witch. I would think that in 2007, this term would not incite the childish banter, comments, and behavior of my full-grown co-workers, but it did.

Are we really still SO uneducated? I work in an environment with a lot of advanced degree people, but bring up anything even remotely "controversial" and I am reminded how un-evolved some people still are. Does this make them bad people? Certainly not. I have a deep fondness for the people I work with. But it does remind me that the world in general still has a long way to go. The fact that even the word "witch" conjured up an image of spell casting and devil worship for my boss, a woman I love and respect deeply, shows me just how long lasting the effects of both the religious right and Hollywood really are.

Ruminating

Wondering what is blog worthy? Is blogging really just a self-centered "Hey I've got stuff to say and hope that others think its important"?

It seems like such a magnificent platform, and a wonderful way to make new connections. But since yesterday I've thought, "What is really my motive?" I'm not sure I know the answer to that myself. I do want to share myself with others, but do I really want to share with strangers? I did the livejournal thing for a short period, and that felt so vulnerable.

How vulnerable, though, can we really be through words on a computer screen? I'm wondering about the psychology behind the blogging, I suppose. Technology is so double-edged. On the one hand, it does bring billions of people together that would otherwise not be so. On the other hand, there is such a de-personalization that comes with a keyboard and a monitor. Of course, the more technically well-versed will have webcams and voice features and all that, but most of the people I know don't have or couldn't afford such gadgets.

My advice to "my girls", now forever immortalized on the blog

So I'm sitting at my desk with the picture I swiped from Cyndi's myspace page (I am so glad I requested that photo! You're dad thinks you're his, but, really, you're mine!) and thinking about you and your lives, your futures, etc. So I decided to send a wiser older aunt (really, we're cousins, right? aunt makes me feel old) email that, hopefully, you will remember, or at least refer to from time to time on your collective journeys.

My advice:

1) All women are crazy to some degree. You are no exception.

2) The disease of addiction runs in our family. Do what you will, but be careful of what and how much. If you ever think you have a problem, I would hope you come to me, as I have been down that road. I would never judge you, no matter what you did. I remind you of this #2 occasionally only because I care about you, and I would never want you to go where I have been. But even if you do, I will never turn you away.

3) If you are given the opportunity to do anything bold, daring, or unusual (for example, sky-diving, travelling to a foreign country, being exposed to some culture not your own, reciting poetry in front of a large audience), as long as you are safe, DO IT. It is likely the opportunity will not come again.

4) Live your life in a way that serves god (goddess, Buddah, Allah, whatever you believe in) first, yourself second, and others third. Always.

5) When you are in a relationship, make the same decisions for yourself that you would make if you were single. (For example, going to school, pursuing a particular career, etc.) Never take on other people's opinions as your own reality.

6) Be kind, but don't be a doormat.

7) Learn as much as you can as early as you can about what it means to have healthy boundaries, and know the difference between selfishness and self-care.

8) You can do and accomplish anything that men can, and some things you can even do better!

9) Never give yourself to someone entirely, keep a little piece just for you.

10) A life without some kind of faith in something is not really a life.

11) 90% of what goes on around you is really none of your business.

12) Be aware that your actions and words constantly affect other people, even when you don't notice. Live, speak, and behave responsibly.

13) Angels walk among us, learn to recognize them.

14) Love is never wrong, even when it doesn't have the outcome we desired. But know the difference between love, lust, and infatuation.

15) True intimacy has absolutely nothing to do with sex.

16) A positive attitude really does make a lot of difference. (I only learned that within the last couple of years.)

17) The only thing that's really the end of the world is the end of the world.

18) To thine ownself be true. Still the best Shakesperian quote ever.

19) Family is more important than you will ever know. Love the people who gave you life, even when you don't agree with them.

20) The important things in life are not things. Money, property, and prestige will never compare to love, peace of mind, and spirituality.

OK. I have to go back to work now. I am so glad that we have been able to connect like this since the reunion. I will not let that change again. Have an awesome weekend and I love you both!! ~K.

Friendship - The Driveway/Porch Analogy

I have been using this analogy endlessly. And I am a very visual person, so it helps me to picture things in my mind to adjust my own perspective.

Someone shared this with me not long ago: In your life, there are many people hanging out on the driveway. Some of them you will invite up to hang out on the front porch. Even less of them you will allow into your home, the living room, or maybe the kitchen. And once in a great while, you will invite one into your bedroom. But the truth is, most people are hanging out on the driveway.

Who's in your living room? I think those of you in mine know who you are. ~K.

Time to do so already

So here's my update.

I am happier than I have been in a very long time, and I am not sure how or why that has happened, only that it has. I think my current contentedness is part program, part universal influence, part profound personality change, and the rest the result of a higher power and all the love I have present in my life today.

Many of you know I lost someone I loved desperately earlier this year, then lost a job that I loved almost obsessively a couple months ago. Yet, somehow, here I am. I think my experiences this year have simply proven that just when I think I know what the plan is, the Planner shows me otherwise!!

Now that there is a way for me to talk to nearly everyone I know all at once, I have only one question: How can I help you? For attempting to live my life in the service of others is something that I am quite sure has contributed to leading me to where I am, and the modicum of peace I have right now. (There was probably a less complicated way to construct that sentence but it escaped me.)

~K.

Welcome me, welcome you

Thanks to Kimberlie for her inspiring stories and tempting me to create a blog while I am at work and on company time. It is a good way to throw my thoughts out there before I've said incredibly inappropriate things to inappropriate people. Plus I am always looking to know and learn things from as many people as humanly possible.

I actually DO have work to do, but I will be back. I think this will be incredible fun and is probably being placed before me at just the right time.

Love & Light, K.