Clarity

So I'm brushing my teeth this morning and the following occurs to me:

"I have not been in a lesbian relationship for over four years."

This may sound like stating the obvious. It isn't. Although I've known this on some level, this morning I reached that defining point between knowing something and really knowing it. Do you know what I mean? When something becomes so clear to you on a soul level and you cannot believe you didn't see it before.

What this means, folks, is that I have not been in a legitimate relationship in my entire length of sobriety. I have had two lovers. The first of which was typical, early recovery, 13th step, codependency run wild, sexual energy. Although that woman and I remain good friends to this day, what we had way back when I would in no way call a romantic relationship. It was a very confused relationship between two people that clearly belong in one another's lives, but not in that way.

The second lover was a friendship that pre-dated my sobriety. I would call that a one-sided romantic relationship that was sexually reciprocal. However, she decided on the guy that she lives with to this day, and our friendship suffered the consequences. Ironically, that woman had everything to do with why I got clean and sober in the first place. Which, I suppose now, was her purpose in my path.

That leaves several crushes, fantasies, and obsessions in between. And the perpetual "almost-get-back-together" that happened last fall between me and another ex. What does it all mean? *sigh* It means that I am emotionally unavailable, although I like to pretend that it is the women I pursue that are unavailable.

What I am beginning to believe is that my penchant for unattainable, emotionally sick, or sexual-preference-uncertain women is all fear based. Again, I have known this for some time, but it is suddenly alarmingly clear in a way that it was not before. What I understand today is that my six and a half year marriage was the biggest let down of my life. I had the picture perfect lesbian relationship that turned out to be a sham; a big masquerade; the vision of a future life complete with a white picket fence and two dogs and an ocean view was entirely a house of cards.

What will I do with this information now? Process it, write about it, and, hopefully, learn a lesson from it. I am feeling very vulnerable, but in that freeing sort of way.

~K.

Mexico anyone?

So every time I listen to Kim Richey it makes me want to get in my Explorer and drive to the Gulf of Mexico. Or California. Or any somewhere other than here.

Maybe I should become more financially strict about savings and take a trip every three to six months. Just get in and drive somewhere, finding hotels, restaurants, random women, and 12-step meetings along the way. (Not necessarily in that order.)

That kind of life has always appealed to me. But material security also appeals to me, and I can't seem to find the balance between the two. I don't want to be irresponsible, just free. Does that make sense? How do we create that sense of adventure in everyday life?

Emotional Relapse

So those damn tiny moments yesterday really had me wrapped around the axle. Lost in temporary insanity, I called my ex. But it is OK. And here's why:

You know, for years now I think she and I really do want the same thing, which is to be able to be friends. Clearly, we are not there yet. But, perhaps for the first time in all the years we've been doing this, we did not start the pattern all over again. There will be no regular communication. Sometimes I really do just want to know how she's doing. And I got that.

So, was there fallout? Absolutely. I had a good cry when we got off the phone. And I do miss her sometimes. She is the one I never got over, but I do know that someday I will. Today is not that day, but it is coming. And I do believe the residual effects of that have partially kept me out of a relationship with anyone else. What I really do desire in my heart of hearts is to love someone the same way I loved her, and to have that person love me back in the same way, with equality and reciprocity. I do know today that she does not want to be with me, I have known that for a long time, but I guess I am still working on acceptance of that. I have more today than I ever have, but I am still not there 100%. I loved her more than any woman I have ever known, I'm pretty sure I've said that before. And I am grateful to know that I have the capacity TO love like that. For with her, even through all the chaos of our humble beginnings, there was always an underlying spiritual and pure current underneath it all. That is the love that I believe I will always have for her. I just want it to come without the pain, and I think its getting there.

So are we going to be chatting, hanging out, emailing? No. We did agree to, every once in a while, "check in". Six months, nine months, once a year, to be determined I guess. I am comfortable with that today. If nothing else, she and I have learned a lot about how to be honest with each other over the years. I can "not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it."

Bittersweet, indeed.

Those Tiny Moments

I had one this morning. I wish that I could be free of those tiny moments once and for all. Do you know the moments I speak of? Let me explain.

Those moments where loneliness rears its ugly head completely unannounced. Those moments of panic when the voice says "Oh my god, what if I'm alone forever?" Those moments when self-pity says "If you fell and cracked your head open in the shower, how many days would it take for people to notice you were missing?"

I try to live my life by spiritual principles. I attempt to believe whole-heartedly in the universal laws of attraction and abundance. I have spent several years now getting as OK with being single as I am probably ever going to be. Which is pretty OK. I have a wonderfully supportive family, I have more love and friends in my life than most people dream of, I create, nurture, and maintain a number of intimate relationships with people I truly trust without question. So most days, everything is exactly as it should be, and I am generally at peace.

Then, those tiny moments come. Damn.

One purpose of the blog

Although my original intention was to spread loving goodness, joy, hope, etc., I recognize the inherent value of having one's own blog is to occasionally VENT.

In my production meeting this morning, a book we have in house came up in discussion, and it was mentioned that the author of the book is a self-proclaimed witch. I would think that in 2007, this term would not incite the childish banter, comments, and behavior of my full-grown co-workers, but it did.

Are we really still SO uneducated? I work in an environment with a lot of advanced degree people, but bring up anything even remotely "controversial" and I am reminded how un-evolved some people still are. Does this make them bad people? Certainly not. I have a deep fondness for the people I work with. But it does remind me that the world in general still has a long way to go. The fact that even the word "witch" conjured up an image of spell casting and devil worship for my boss, a woman I love and respect deeply, shows me just how long lasting the effects of both the religious right and Hollywood really are.