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Someone complained about me not updating my blog. (Happy L.H.?) Thanks for the nudge.

To be honest, I have not been in good space so have not had the desire to update. I like to post when I'm positive, have insight, something to share. That is not where I am at today.

I am learning that some behavior patterns are so ingrained, some fractured core beliefs so deep-seated, that the work to undo them is a bit overwhelming. I keep trying, but, at times, as I'm sure is true for everyone, I do want to just give up. I want to just find some ultimate self-acceptance and stop trying to fix what I believe needs fixing. Can you relate?

I am not ungrateful nor unhappy with my life on the whole. I am sober, free, spiritually rich, relatively at peace with my circumstances. I have a tremendous amount of love in my life, fantastic friendship that I never knew was available to me. Yet still, the thing I want the most eludes me. Am I OK with that? I would have to say, "sure," but if that were really true, why would I have spent the past three weeks crying over a woman who was never a realistically potential partner to begin with? How is it that I come to believe the impossible is possible? Fantasy? Maybe. I didn't think so, but our denial systems are powerful. As always the whole thing was wrapped in so many layers of my "issues" it is hard to say what was real or true and what wasn't. Friendship? Seems like such an everyday word and inadequate to describe what we had. Love? For me, I still don't know if it was for her. The word itself has far too many meanings, and only I can know what mine is.

In the big picture, this circumstance is fairly inconsequential. You know how it is, feels so big when you're in the middle of it. I am certain that I'll move on in time, and return to me, and return to my higher power, the universal flow, the only real love there is. My life is still a wonderous, miraculous, and beautiful thing, it has just been shadowed with gray days lately. So I share it with you, because if I am to share I must do so honestly.

Will you hold my hand under the sheltering sky and wait for the black to pass?