Clarity

So I'm brushing my teeth this morning and the following occurs to me:

"I have not been in a lesbian relationship for over four years."

This may sound like stating the obvious. It isn't. Although I've known this on some level, this morning I reached that defining point between knowing something and really knowing it. Do you know what I mean? When something becomes so clear to you on a soul level and you cannot believe you didn't see it before.

What this means, folks, is that I have not been in a legitimate relationship in my entire length of sobriety. I have had two lovers. The first of which was typical, early recovery, 13th step, codependency run wild, sexual energy. Although that woman and I remain good friends to this day, what we had way back when I would in no way call a romantic relationship. It was a very confused relationship between two people that clearly belong in one another's lives, but not in that way.

The second lover was a friendship that pre-dated my sobriety. I would call that a one-sided romantic relationship that was sexually reciprocal. However, she decided on the guy that she lives with to this day, and our friendship suffered the consequences. Ironically, that woman had everything to do with why I got clean and sober in the first place. Which, I suppose now, was her purpose in my path.

That leaves several crushes, fantasies, and obsessions in between. And the perpetual "almost-get-back-together" that happened last fall between me and another ex. What does it all mean? *sigh* It means that I am emotionally unavailable, although I like to pretend that it is the women I pursue that are unavailable.

What I am beginning to believe is that my penchant for unattainable, emotionally sick, or sexual-preference-uncertain women is all fear based. Again, I have known this for some time, but it is suddenly alarmingly clear in a way that it was not before. What I understand today is that my six and a half year marriage was the biggest let down of my life. I had the picture perfect lesbian relationship that turned out to be a sham; a big masquerade; the vision of a future life complete with a white picket fence and two dogs and an ocean view was entirely a house of cards.

What will I do with this information now? Process it, write about it, and, hopefully, learn a lesson from it. I am feeling very vulnerable, but in that freeing sort of way.

~K.